You know, I am starting to think that I need a small lobotomy. I do not think that I need a very big lobotomy, but one that does just enough to make me more child like and not question everything in the world. Beres, can you grab your drill and a small bit and drive down to Crestview, FL and do the job? Actually there was a GREAT movie called Pi that came out in the late 90’s where a guy that was a super intellect gave himself a lobotomy with a drill towards the end of the movie. Ironically, and to the best of my recollection, I think it actually worked for him.
Seriously, it sounds cliché but I really do wish that I had a dollar for every time I have been told in my life that I think too much. I have to admit that this is very true. At times it is like a drug to me and especially during my twenties and thirties when I had such a horrible fight with clinical depression. Looking back, it was always a sign that a bout was coming on when I would want to get in my car late at night and drive and just think.
Well, there is good news and bad news here. The good news is that I can pretty much say with confidence that at the age of 50 I have pretty much beaten the depression problem. Yes, I do get a little chemical assistance from the Veteran’s Administration, but nothing drastic. As the words say in the song Comfortably Numb, I get “Just a little pin prick” of chemical assistance. I highly recommend it with the right doctor and in the right doses. Feel free to call if you are suffering and I will be more than happy to talk to you about this. I am by no means a doctor but I am confident to say that after 20 some odd years of experience with clinical depression and coming out on the other end that I could at least give some helpful insight. Anyways, this is the good news. Now comes the bad news.
The bad news is that I am no less a thinker today than I was in first grade when my counselor threw up her arms and said that if I did not keep thinking so much I was going to have a heart attack by the time I was 20 (true story, I remember it like it was yesterday). Just a little history here. I will digress.
I did terrible in school. From first grade till my senior year in high school, school was the last thing on my mind. I was always a C, D, and F student. I was also raised by a single Mom who eventually remarried when I was 13 but I have to think real hard to ever remember being pushed in school. By my senior year of high school I had my own apartment on the beach in South Florida (long story) and was a total pot head party animal and ended up graduating 3rd in my senior class…FROM LAST out of 365 graduates!
After going in the Army for three years as a helicopter mechanic and crew chief I did eventually get out of the Army and go to college at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University (The Harvard of the skies I might add) and I did get a four year degree in Professional Aeronautics. Thank God for the geek and nerd engineering students that I became best friends with. Hey, I knew how to work up a good strong B average in calculus (which I had the least clue about going into college). So I digress even more.
Anyway, and yes, in spite of being on the down side of advantage I was, in the end able to pull a decent education out of my ass. This was not because I was the academic type at all. It was more to do with the fact that I had huge balls.
During these four years I also was the president of the Embry-Riddle Christian Fellowship for two years for which I won the President’s Award for Leadership in my senior class. These were also some of my worst years struggling with clinical depression. I would not know until about 12 years later when I saw my first doctor what I was up against.
So, I was never even close to being the academic type but I was and always have been a thinker to the max. This has been my best friend and my worst enemy at times. Today, as I take in this Gospel it is still my best friend and my worst enemy. I will explain.
My dear old mom has always told me in the midst of great frustration with me that I should have been a lawyer. Well, as a Christian I found the perfect tool to use my debating skills…the bible. I was especially good at taking New Testament verses and turning them into law. I poisoned many others and myself with this approach. The problem was that I was more depressed and disillusioned in the end than I had ever been. Then came Mike Williams.
Mike Williams freed me from the law. Mike freed me from the Gospel being all about myself and what I did and turned my whole perspective into it being all about Christ and what he did. This was the Mike of the 90’s. Fast forward to today.
I have only come to find out recently that Mike Williams switched up his game and took things to a whole nother’ level. Now Mike preaches a Gospel of total redemption to the whole world. Mike preaches that redemption is not only to those that believe but to all of mankind regardless of whether we believe or not. This Gospel has ruined me and totally mind fucked me. This is my blog and I can cuss all I want.
In the past, I could take plenty of verses from the New Testament and argue that redemption is only available to those who believe in Jesus (which my mind says), but in my heart I know that this is complete bullshit. There is no good news in this Gospel. The problem is that my mind (the thinker) wars against my heart.
In my heart I know that there is no good news in saying that billions of good souls are going to hell. This is the Christian message that most Christians are in complete denial about. Most Christians love to revel in what Jesus has done for them but are in complete denial about what will happen to the billions that did not have a chance to receive the message. You hear all kinds of bullshit, watered down reasoning’s that try and get past this problem. None of them work.
Go to church, hear a good sermon, go home to your nice three bedroom house, eat potato salad, watch the Sunday game and fucking die as you watch billions of people go to hell over your bullshit doctrine. I am glad that it works for you, you selfish son of a bitch, but just think while you are watching Green Bay play Detroit that you are also condemning hundreds of thousands of people in China and India and Russia to eternal hell.
Over the last couple of days I have been able to listen to a few Mike Williams podcast (good job Beres). During one of these podcast it hit me like a diamond bullet going to the center of my brain. What hit me was that if the law was nailed to the cross, then there is not only nothing to accuse me, but there is nothing to accuse all of the human race. The point being that if there is no law, then there is not sin. If there is no sin then there cannot be judgment.
Look, I can take a very good and studied evangelical Christian and at least get them to admit that the law was nailed to the cross. What I cannot do is get them to admit that where there is no law then there is no sin. I can use a good bohemian example here.
If the state of Florida legalized pot then there would be no more law against marijuana. So, if there were no more law against the possession of marijuana then obviously the possession of marijuana would not be a crime. If marijuana was not a crime then there would obviously be no punishment for possessing marijuana. No law, no crime, no crime, no punishment. No law, no sin, no sin, no punishment, no punishment, no judgement…get it!
That’s it. Thanks for reading. Believe me, it does more for me than it does for you.